Just Be, and Picture This: Nothing
Posted on , by Annette Hudson.
Nothing is what I see in my “mind’s eye” because I have aphantasia, or the inability to form mental images. I understand concepts normally, but when asked to “visualize a beach” or “imagine an apple,” I see the same thing you see when you are blindfolded.
Because of this, my thinking is more verbal or conceptual rather than visual. Even though I don’t retain images in my mind, seeing a photo can bring back a flood of memories.
So, I love taking photos of everyone and everything. My loved ones might tell you my requests to catch things on film can be distracting and even irritating: I don’t just photograph birthdays and holidays, I snap small, ordinary moments to summon back the feelings they evoke.
This honeybee on a garden zinnia calls to mind one such camera-worthy quiet occasion when I stopped to smell the flowers and noticed that I was coexisting with a plethora of pollinators, none of which was bothered by my presence. They innocently buzzed around my face while I basked in that moment with them.
That may not seem like a big deal, but years ago I was scared of “bees,” which meant all yellow-and-black bugs that might sting me. I lumped wasps, yellow jackets, hornets, bumblebees, native bees, and honeybees into that category. I never wanted to be near any of them without a fly swatter.
A lot has happened between then and now, including the loss of some, though not all, of my ignorance and trepidation. Bees are an apt microcosm of the boogeymen that no longer scare me and the love that I’ve found in the most unexpected places.
I owe many life changes to the wisdom I have gleaned from books, podcasts, and wise friends along a very rocky path. In my forty-something trips around the sun, I’ve been the grateful recipient of a lot of powerful advice from many teachers: experts in personal finance, relationships, philosophy, motivation, parenting, and time management. I’m excited to tell you all about it, one picture and one story at a time.
If you carry any of the fears that I have struggled with in the past, it doesn’t matter if they are justified concerns or just “bees.” I hope that the experiences that changed me can serve you.
Let’s start with one of the simplest yet most profound lessons I’m learning: the Buddhist concept of “just tree.” (Note: I’m a newish student of secular Buddhism, which is the understanding from which I’ll endeavor to share.)
“Just tree” is an idea sometimes mentioned and used in meditation. The goal is to sit with a tree and allow it to just be. I don’t need to attach any additional thought or meaning to the tree. I can simply exist next to it and allow it to exist next to me. There is no need for deep thoughts, shallow thoughts, or even the avoidance of thought. The intention is to be in this moment, which just so happens to include a tree.
Being in the moment isn’t escapism. It’s a way of mentally returning to what is actually happening rather than what my mind insists should be happening. It’s a form of radical acceptance. It is the now.
Why am I so eager to share the concepts of “just tree” and “the now” with you? Picture all of the things you fear. (My apologies to those of you who don’t have aphantasia and now have a lot of ugly things in your mind’s eye.) Now classify all of those things into three time periods: the past, the present, and the future. Seriously, stop and make a list.
You might have a column full of things and people that have hurt you in the past, and also a long list of things and people that might hurt you in the future. If you have any under the heading, “the present,” please take another look. For our purposes, this category only includes this exact second. (Now this one. Now this one. Now this one.) It’s hard to really describe it because it’s a tiny pinpoint of time, and it’s easy to miss. It’s also the only “time” that actually exists.
What is “the past”? It is your memories. Memories are not things, merely thoughts. What is “the future”? Have you ever been there? No, because that is impossible. You have only entertained imaginations or thoughts about the future. You (and I) have only actually ever been in the present.
So, what is wrong right now?
If you pay very careful attention (and you aren’t reading this while dangling from a cliff), the only problem in the present is your thoughts. The great news is that, though thought is usually automatic, it is still not reality. It is only thought. It can be observed and even put in its place.
I have so much to share on this topic, but I will save some for the supposed future (wink, wink).
For now, it is enough to share this memory with you: I was there, with my face in the flowers, surrounded by all types of beautiful yellow flying insects, and it was “just bee.”
Just be. And, like a person with aphantasia, picture this:
Nothing.